Friendship Trouble

Q: I have a friend who is trying to straighten their life out. Not to pat myself on the back too hard, I feel I have done more than is realistically expected to help them. I recently found myself clinging to the end of that rope and I will try to make a long story short.
The Sunday before I wrote this letter I called my friend about returning something they had borrowed because I would need it the next day. I knew they no longer needed it because they recently got one of their own. It was a little after noon when I talked to my friend and what we originally had planned worked out great for me because it fell right in line with plans I had for the day. As I said, making a long story short, 9 and half hours later my friend comes to my door with completely different plans that, had I known this would happen, didn't require me to wait at home all day for them.

The main reason my friend is in the position they are in is lack of responsibility. I don't know why they think anyone is going to give them the chance they say they want if they haven't shown they are going to take responsibility. But I guess my question is: Should I even bother myself with it? My friend has other friends, most of which I don't know very well, and I always hear stories about how they take advantage of my friend or try to "screw them over". Yet here I am doing more than should be expected and it sometimes seems like the friendship is a one way street. I think last Sunday may have been somewhat of an epiphany for me and I guess I just need to bounce it off someone. I know not all the facts are here, but am I just overreacting or is this a friendship in name only?

Thanks,
Wasted Sunday



A: At some point in time, our friendships are put into question, for whatever reason it might be. This is due to the ever-changing nature of our lives. For every up and down life gives, relationships take a hit, good or bad. That’s what makes friendships so tricky. Not only does each individual’s criteria for a friend differ greatly, but so do the “rules” that govern such a relationship. Throughout life, interests can change, people move or grow apart, or opinions can cross; but there can always be found one common ground every friend agrees upon….respect. Without a certain amount of respect, there really isn’t much of a friendship.

When someone is coping with life’s curveballs, friends can be a tremendous outlet of support. Helping them deal by lending a shoulder or ear, offering financial help in times of crisis, or just even sitting quietly with them so they are not alone are all ways each of us have given when needed. How far one takes the aid is entirely a personal choice, but one can only help so much before questions arise to the nature in which it is being taken, especially if there seems to be no interest in the person improving their situation.
The feelings you are having are totally normal, and probably happen more times than most people want to admit. Your friend’s actions do not necessarily express a lack of feelings, but it does sound like their priorities have been knocked out of line. Whatever they are going through most likely has changed their view on certain aspects of life. This is not always a good thing, but it is an issue only they can remedy.

If there are things that bother you about the relationship, the best way to find a solution is to talk it through. This is especially important if one feels the friendship is worth holding on to. It might be a difficult task and harsh words could be a possibility, but knowing where you both stand could be enlightening in regards to what path you choose to take. Letting them in on how you feel will also help alleviate some of the anxiety felt over the situation.
Giving up on a friend is never an option that should be taken lightly, but it is an action that is totally personal. Just as your friend is the only one that can better their situation, you are the only one that can decide if the friend is worth the time and effort, regardless if anything is given in return.

I wish you the best of luck in this very hard endeavor and hope I have helped in some way.
~Katie